Got ANGER?? Get CURIOUS!

I want to talk a little bit about Curiosity today. In my coaching school, (The Coaches Training Institute or CTI), we hold that Curiosity is one of the contexts of coaching. It is one of the skills we use to begin exploration. While this is useful in coaching, I want to talk about how we can each use it in our day-to-day lives.

We have all heard of road rage and most of us have seen angry drivers. Some of us have even BEEN angry drivers, (go ahead, raise your hand if you have been an angry driver, I won’t tell!) We have encountered the grumpy store clerk. We have talked to the agitated customer service rep. We can’t BELIEVE that our computer has locked up AGAIN! We get angry when our service is slow.

These are all ways we have experienced anger, either within ourselves or from someone else. Some people go as far as to say that they HATE being angry and seem to get angry at themselves for BEING angry! Talk about a loop! Anger also has many bad side effects on your health, high blood pressure just being one of them. One might even think that anger is getting to be an epidemic in this country. Just what we need! One more epidemic on our hands!

Many people seem to think that they have the “cure” for anger. You just have to “walk it off”. You just have to “let it all out”. You just have to “count to 10″. (Or 8 or 12, if you read my last blog). You just have to “forget about it”.  You just have to “let it go”. Rarely do I ever hear anyone recommend getting CURIOUS about the anger. It is interesting to note that when you are curious, it is difficult, if not impossible to experience any other emotion. You might be thinking, “What is there to get curious about? I know EXACTLY what I am angry about?” Here are some things you can ask yourself when you are angry, (or someone who is close to you when they are angry):

• What is it that I am REALLY angry about?
• What is it about this that is MAKING me so angry?
• Why am I so angry about this?
• How is my anger serving me?
• How is my anger dis-servicing me?
• What is the benefit I am getting from my anger?
• What am I losing because of this anger?
• Do I LIKE feeling angry?
• Do I HAVE to be angry?
• What is another response?
• What would I benefit from choosing another response?
• What would I LOSE by choosing another response?

I am willing to bet that if you are REALLY angry and you sit down and try to REALLY answer those questions and put some thought into them, by the time you are done, not only will you not be angry any more, but you might have learned enough about yourself and your anger that the next time you are in a similar situation, you might handle it completely differently and not even GET angry.

You know how little kids get in that phase where they respond to everything you say by asking “Why?” Well, there is actually something useful about that. If you take any problem situation you are encountering, ask it a “Why” question. When you have an answer, ask ANOTHER “Why” question. By the time you get to about 5 “Why” questions in, you usually make it to the heart of the situation and have a much easier time finding a solution. I think this is where I am supposed to tell you that YOUR Possibilities, (and “Why”s), are ENDLESS!

“Til Next Time, Keep Asking Why and GET CURIOUS!

Tom Maher
The Possibilities Coach
Tom@epcoachtom.com
www.epcoachtom.com